A Road

        One long walk through twist and turns of dead ends, no wonder I can't get to where i'm going. It was there at the slumping of hills and the darkening of lights that I stood on walk ways. We stopped to wonder why we're here and not there.  Under the bridges trolls strolled in the shadows, they behold golden amulets and silver lightning rods. Low growls and disheartened looks take over lonely roads, they smell me in the air, alas but their poor sights hither them from accurately finding me in the thicket.  Night has lain unmoved in the shadows for some time now, i"m unsure if its afraid or waiting for the right moment to move. If its a strategy, I know of such things. If it is fear, I hope we feel the same feeling.
       I entered the the forest to enchant the colors of the trees and turn them to a autumn hue. My bags were heavy with magic and gems, colors and swords. I changed the world with my words and my sword. I am the most powerful when my words are few, like a bigger version of a dagger my words slice through. I am weary for, my actions are part of a bigger picture. I am on a quest from higher authority. I am sent by life to change the landscape that lays before me, but not to destroy.
       Before I came to be hiding behind bushes, deep in crevices and beneath towering trees, I only headed where I needed to be. Those along the way that needed help and assistance, I offered. As always pain and death follows my wake, they do not accompany me for there is a fear in their eyes. They called me the wise man that walks among the darkness. For I lay with the beasts and the heartless. I was not revered nor loved for the things I've done. There is the same fear, that sparks up in the souls of those who have seen what I am capable of. My days won't end, they will simply continue. Like the sun and moon that sets and rises again and again. I too exists to be a necessity in the world.

Lovers at times, strangers in places

Lovers at times, strangers in places

She’d call to say hello, one evening night

At the time, i’d felt like i’d, been in a fight

Though no bone broke in me, the body ached

With no tears that i cried, i heard my heart break

Lovers at time, we used to know

Strangers in places that we used to go

I’d thank you if i didn’t hate you so

Just like rivers, splitting on rocks

Baby it’s time to flow

Never one was i, not to say hello

She was a stranger, talking during my video

I’d share a laugh, maybe one or two

Who knew i’d fall in love you

All night long, even when the sun has gone down

There were those times, like we had it all figured out

Even during rain, we’d sneak a few

Even during pain, i’d still think of you

Lovers at time, we used to know

Walking by ourselves with our shadows

Strangers in places that we used to go

All alone but we don’t let it show

Should have know that the love you had

Was one that you could never leave

I should know this whole time that when you talked about loving

You weren’t talking about me

So if you ever want to leave, you can go

Just be sure that i don’t know

The love I had felt lighter than your touch

But it seems you didn’t care too much

Let us leave this story behind

You go your way and i’ll go mine

Memories are Fleeting

Memories are Fleeting

Our memories are the best parts of us. We live and we learn. We are shaped by the people in our lives, the strangers that we meet and the friends that we make. The worst thing that can happen to us is the disappearance of those memories. There are many way a memory can disappear.

When a person dies. The life that they’ve led parishes. The laughter and kind words that only they can convey fades away with them. All those long nights of talking, all those intimate conversations, all those tears and all the joys that were shared can only become a distant memory. They are destined to be buried in the footpaths of the future. The worst thing about someone passing away is not the day that they actually die, but the days beyond that. When you are stuck, alone with all the thoughts and memories eating at you.

When a person gets into an accident that renders their whole person immobile and their mind blank. When someone is in a Coma. All the potential that they were cultivating, all the energy they were gather and all the experience they were living, it all ceases. The linear trajectory that they were suppose to fly and climb, shattered and torn away. They are warm and breathing, but it all feels like they have all but cease to be. Existing at a bare minimum, is not the same as being alive. What’s worst is when the person becomes trapped in their own mind, helpless to act, to speak. To be able to hear everything, to feel the hair on your arms, tingle, but unable to move your fingers, to blink your eyes, to scratch an itch. You are the memory, slowly falling into a deep dark sleep.

When a person grows old and develops alzheimer. When you get to this stage, you’ve lived and loved a long life. You’ve seen the life of your children grow and develop into adults, All those long rides you used to go on. The feeling of the wind in your hair while you cruised down the highway. The feeling of the sun on your skin on that favorite vacation that took when you were discovering yourself. Your wedding day, the day you decided to that there was no one you’d rather be with than the person who stood you beside you on that day. The day your first born child was conceived, you once remembered how happy you were, how much pain you had to go through before that tiny little human being, resting and taking small sleeping breathes. All the pain and and wounds that tell the story of the scars on your body. All the heartbreak and hopes you found. All the dreams that awoke you in the middle of the night, all the nightmares that sent you racing towards your parents room. All the time you simply tried to survive even when the love had left your body and felt your soul and strength leaving you. All the morning sunrises, all the wishing, and yearning, despair and angry moments.

All of them, every single moment that you had been living will be gone. All the memories you created will cease. There will not be a next memory, there will not be a next time. There will only be what was, and what used to be. People will hurt, your loved ones will be crushed. People will seek isolation to run away from not being able to create a new memory. They will die on the inside. They will continue to suffer, they will continue to despair. They will also keep hope, they will also keep you close. They will keep your name private, they will speak of it with reverence. Perhaps someone will write your name in words for the future to repeat. Perhaps someone will keep you alive, even if memories are fleeting.

Dreamscape

You know how you use to have nightmares instead of dreams? Where in those weird moments you forget that you can do anything because it started as a dream? The same things happen and many don't understand that the problem is not the images and pigments that are created in your dream through your fiendish imagination, the problem lies in the use of control. The control you have over your life, it can be your personal life, your family life, your social life, or your life in the public.

Dreams are amazing because, your brain is working miracles while you are not consciously controlling it. Do you remember the amazing details that you hold onto ask you gasp awake sometimes? Surely we all have the creative capacity to  do amazing thing and write amazing stories if we can connect and establish some sort of usage of our brain. Like instead of worrying about minor problems and heartbreaks, what if we can focus our attention into other things. Imagine the energy and capacity we can channel and attain if we were to use our minds efficiently and effectively, we can achieve amazing and wonderful. And that would be pretty cool.

Conversations

If i had only the next 24 hours i would take the day off

Would i choose to take my 8 hours of sleep and put it off until tomorrow and eternity?

I am in no way, afraid of death, but i believe that deep down i am inherently scared of dying.

I am by no way, a person of significance. I mean i have shared and created beautiful and memorable moments with plenty of individuals.

I have Partied enough, and have engaged in enough drunk therapy. You all know drunk therapy, someone drinks way too much, and their emotions start pouring out of their pores. So someone, usually me for some reason, has to sit them down and dig through their trouble and tell them that all of their actions aren't actually mistakes, but decisions they had to make during a very intense moment. At the end of the conversation, hopefully i would have been able to share with them a thought, a thought that tells a story. A story of how every morning the sun rises and every evening it leaves as night creeps in. It's a story that has a simple message, although sometimes the light may disappear from your life, and you begin to dwell and wander in a state of darkness, it is but for a moment, for it shall pass. And in the next second, a light and flame shall appear before you showing you that the world was indeed never consumed by darkness. When we fall into darkness and despair, our heart and soul becomes engulfed in depression and sadness, and those thoughts and our situations lead us into a moment of broken dreams.

Like living a nightmare, every single step we take we are going backwards and in circle. I believe that to truly overcome our problems and our troubles, we have to understand where they began and what led us to this precise moment. Everyone needs to hear these words at time. We i am immersed in the sadness of my friends and companions, i simply can not go away nor ignore them. For even if they don't want nor desire my presence, my very being; i know that they still need me there. Even if they don't ask, i hear their souls, their sadness crying out for help. I get shivers, when i look at someone in their eyes, and all i see is a broken heart. All that which they desire is but a small and simple thing, but unfortunately that small thing can only be given to them. And when its taken away from their eager eyes and warm smiles, despair sets in. Silence descends upon their lips like seesaw.

I think that we all party for a reason. Its a detour, its a marginal escape from the problems that we dare not face. An angry father, a lost sibling, workloads that can cripple the strongest person. A broken heart is the hardest thing to fix. For i have a broken heart, and its not healed yet. I don't know when it will be, but i am not looking for a solution nor a remedy. For the only remedy for a broken heart is love. And love can only be received  when it is given truthfully, honestly, beautifully.

Sometimes we fall into a broken cycle of attachment. We attach ourselves to the thing that we wish would give us what we want. I attached myself to a young lady, for i believed that what we had was headed for a future that i so desperately wanted. I knew the kind of person she was, her fears, her doubts. I knew that it would never work, for she was too hesitant, too impatient. But i kept waiting, i kept idling by watching time fly by, wishing and hoping that she would one day suddenly realize how amazing i was all along, and come running into my arms. Stupid, silly hopeful imagination. With all the positive hope i had for the future i shall never live to see, never live to touch, to kiss, to cradle, to embrace.  I knowingly attached my feelings onto her in the hopes that it would be returned. For years i would be there to comfort her, and there were many a times where it might have been possible, but atlas each moment would only last minutes. Now i am broken and tired. My patience is running empty and my kind heart has become cynical and defensive more than ever. I shall no more wait for her, for it is time for me to gift myself with the love i so dearly needed. For that is the only option to being driven over the edge.

I know what it is like to see the darkness and walk into it knowing you are bound to get hurt. Telling yourself that it will be worth it, assuring yourself that it will get better. Repeating that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel you are running into, blinded by desire, craving for attention, yearning for affection. Only, only to be disappointed each and every time, for all your efforts again and again seemingly wasted towards nickels and dimes. All your strength, inside and outside of you, just to lie in the gutter, bawling your eyes out, blaming yourself for foolishness, for your kind heart has once again driven you into a corner where you so desperately tried running from.

After going through all those years, and suffering emotionally and mentally, psychologically and physiologically; i have come out alive. I have accepted my decisions. I have finally been able to look back at all the moments, and now i can say to each of those memories; thank you. Thank you for the lessons you have been teaching me, for the patience to let me know and understand concepts that i have not thought of nor could ever have grasped. Now i know that even the things i went through, those nightmarish hours of living in a body with a broken heart, becoming the embodiment of sadness, and desperation; those were also gifts from her. All those horrible things that happened, they were also gifts. I just couldn't see them at the time.

I don't advise and conserve with others because i think i know it all and am there to be passing out and sharing my knowledge with all the broken souls. I am not angel. I am not saint nor am i a sinner. I am merely a person. I am merely a man. I am just someone who had his heart broken; and have learned that that wasn't necessarily as bad as i thought; or as painful. Pain would be to lose my parents, to lose my brothers and sisters.

I Believe that Love a wonderful thing. Love is not limited to one definition nor is it locked in a shed with one explanation. It transcends all earthly proverbs, it surpasses the word love itself. It is truly a wonderful thing. For it is a gift, and it shall always be there. We succumb to depression and the feeling of be unloved because we desire a sort of reminder, an assurance that love is really there. We feel a need for the touch of love, a word from those we love. It begins with us. We know we are loved, but instead of accepting the love as is; we want more. As human beings, a bad side to being able to living life is this feeling that it is never enough, like it can never satisfy you for some reason. We all have it, and sooner or later or maybe never; but often times, you learn about your desires and you look at it, you take a while to look at it and understand it. The only thing you can do is accept it, accepting it makes it easier to have desires. You desire only because you are overcome with the feeling of a need for satisfaction, its beyond your control. Don't blame yourself, learn from it, understand it and move on. It will be easier to live with once you understand it, because once you truly understand why you feel like you need something, you can come to terms with the fact that you don't actually need it, and it is okay to want it, but you know you don't need it. At that moment, you can move one with having to worry whether you regret it or not.  

  

Every so often, i would be forced to step into these kinds of conversations. Deep and personal conversations. Its okay to feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to want to bottle everything up, its not okay however to actually bottle everything up and live life with depression as a symbiosis. Talking about things is the best way to understand them, you begin to understand where you are coming from, and what kind of person you are.

Sometimes, i would have these conversations with someone, and i would feel like maybe they'll start to get on a better road. Only for them to fall right back into the same patterns over and over, drowning themselves in alcohol and tobacco, afraid to face their fears and problems. They do a lot of talking but when it comes time to put those words into action, they are afraid. That is the most selfish thing you can do, deny yourself the happiness you know you deserve because you are too afraid of facing the truth that you already know. At this point no one wants to talk to you about your problems and help you any more because they already know that you will fall into the same routines over and over and over again. Fat, lazy, good for nothing, selfish, ignorant, despicable, worthless. You have taken these words and have accepted their definitions as a suitable substitute for who you are. There is nothing even i can do, ultimately the only person who can help you is you, but you have to see the problem before you can fix it. Right now you can't solve anything in your life, and feel trap because your way of thinking and your decision making skills are poor, a lame excuse for a mind.

We all need to understand that we are the children of our parents, we are the decedents of the stars, we care the god child of the universe. We are each goddamn miracles, each one of us unique and amazing. Do not let the opinion of others define who you are. Its okay to trust strangers and to be betrayed by friends, because those are risks we put ourselves in everyday, they are the relationships that help us define who we are in relation to the people around us. Just because there are assholes out there and just because they ruined a small part of your life doesn't meant you sit around and mope and feel like death. Look, learn, and live. I just want you to know you are very important to me, and if there is anything i can do, just let me know, and i will try my best to be there. Best regards, Chong.

To kalian

The machines are humming, Emitting waves like a guitar strumming

It keeps you warm and holds you close Without forcing you And drowning you by holding your nose

I see deep in your eyes i see A smile in your soul that decided to be

As a flame from a fire As yearning lust from my desire

Rising eyes and widening smiles Lips locked kisses deep like a river

For her being that i feel Her prescence i try to find

I need her here As i need the sunshine

My dreams flow with her skirt As her kiss lingers on my shirt  

Her breathe on my glasses A compassionate mix if poison and vice

Her heart beats from her chest I heart it as i lay by her side

Reaching for her hand in the dark Here i am searching for time

Honesty

Let me Clarify.

I miss talking to you about things,
about ideas, about history, about issues, about human nature, about time and space, about the universe

I look back and see that all I have been asking of you, is you.
Your preferences as a person, your feelings, your past, your present and your plans for the future.
We used to talk about my regrets, my mistakes and my decisions. I Kept on reaping answers to satisfy my personal selfishness. I Keep asking only for my personal gain, to be able to make myself feel better; physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. I used to talk about ideas, now it seems that I only talk about people.

I felt that by showing compassion and trying to embody and emulate all the great personas of individuals i have read about and researched, I thought that I could change people. That was very selfish and naive.

I want to talk with you and am telling you all this because i value your being and your opinion. I trust your judgement and accept your actions in response to mine. I know that all these talks and discussions only seem like a waste of time and will most likely lead nowhere, but i want them to be important for you and me.

The idea of discovering the knowledge of the universe we live in, in relations to us human beings. We see this relation that connects us to the universe as mathematics, Physics, music, dance, poetry and art. From what I can see, since we are a creation of the universe within itself, our creative outputs are merely a temporary manifestation of its endless capacity. The sights we see and the sounds we hear, the creations we touch.

I know this and i accept it as my reality.

All the dreams and hopes that i once had when i first discovered new things, and learned about their nature.
The zest and drive that i had, where ideas branched and words bloomed.

I can reject everything, but i can not reject this. I can reject everyone, except you. I feel like i can trust you with anything and everything, even know how little my being means to you.

I see the reality that is you and me. I see the gap between us.
Regardless, I am thankful everyday that in this reality you exist. I am so thankful to have known you. Sometimes I can feel you, and that makes everything okay.

To be able to have seen with sight, to have been able to have listen with a touch of sound and to have been able to feel with me soul.

Your kindness and ultimately your patience towards ignorance and selfishness. When I feel lost I turn to you for guidance. Your words are amazing, honest and true.

I am at peace with my failures. I forgive myself for my want of pleasure in forms that I cannot reach. I have gone through all my mistakes, I know that i can never be that person that I want to be, I am always unsure of my self worth. Always hesitant with the next step, always afraid for making more mistakes.

For i want to be here before you, my friend, as honest and as true as I can be. Because even if I am a horrible and incompetent person, I do not want to hide myself nor lie to you in any way.

For me, there is only you that I am willing to go so far for. Not to please or impress. Not to manipulate nor deceive. But to be right and true to you as the sun is to to our earth. As the running currents are to our rivers and streams.

I used to want to be around people so that I would not feel so alone. I would use their presence to accompany my lonesome self. For better or for worst, i accept their friendship because i saw that they needed be there as much as i needed them here. Now i want to learn to appreciate all those who have given me their time. To have been there for me when i lashed our, for when i was broken and couldn't go on. I appreciate you and all that you are.

Right now, honestly i can do nothing for you.
I can't give you anything to better your life.
I can not fix your reality. I can not remove past nor erase painful memories. I am just a helping hand that is only useful for conversations. I am of absolutely no use to you. With conversations, phone numbers, and our messages, I might as not exist as far as you are concerned. I know talking to me does nothing, but thank you for taking the time to reply.

I suppose that it is indeed a waste of time to share anything of yours with an undeserving outsider.
For anything that you share, are little bits and pieces that contain everything that makes you an living breathing person. Your past, your charm, what you like and what you hate. everything about you. All these information gathered into your perfect being.

Whats more perfect than imperfection, it does its best by not being the best.
I wish that I could have been stronger. So many wishes there are, and no genie to grant them. For they are all for you, these wishes.

I have known pain, and sometimes I wonder how simpler it would be to not have known pain.
I ask myself, just because i have known pain, do i really know how to overcome it.

I have known Fear, and sometimes i imagine myself going through life without fear.
I would ask myself, because i recognize fear, does that give me a choice to change how i react to it?
I would doubt myself, afraid that to beat failure was to run away from any chance encounters.
I was foolish and Naive. I am but a child of an organism adrift on a rock sailing through the universe on borrowed time.

I always wish that my brothers could stop trying to be my friends. And my friends would stop trying to be my brothers.

Life works and runs in strange directions. What we want, seems at a distance from us, and what we truly need comes off as a constant stream of nagging and tugging. We distinguish ourselves from the rest of the planet by telling ourselves that we are the different and detached from all around us. We earnestly seek out an moral individuality that can only honed and crafted by blossoming in a community.

I believe that traditions and cultures are the brick and mortars of a community. With positive guides making us better and selfish compromises, greed, ego and pride destroying us all. The idea of Not in My back yard (NIMBY) is horse shit.

Everything that happens in the world is interconnected, because we are all interconnected. From tentacle porn, to child abuse, from deforestation to human trafficking. What kind of monsters are we, that we know and accept that there are these horrible things going on around us and yet we choose to ignore them because we keep telling them that it does not matter because its not happening to us. This notion that I as the individual shall only act if needed on my own behalf for my own interests and well being, and until that precise moment, everyone can go fuck themselves.

I am in no position to place judgement on the human race, and the follies of my kind. I am only one voice, in the middle this busy intersection with cars honking and people hurriedly moving with their phones glued to their hands. I am also at the mercy of my mobile device, constantly checking and rechecking, reading and rereading.

I may be just one voice in a vacuum it seems. But just because i can not be heard, doesn't mean i don't try.

I am trying desperately my friend, and although i do not call out for help; i am never not in need of a kind word. In this society where i can seemingly and coerced and forced to always becoming something better than i am, and never appreciate for just being me. We are all trying so hard just to survive, we have no time to sit and think and find out who we really are.

I ask of you..
What are we if we are rid of our desires, released from our wants and needs, fears and failures
Would that be a good thing?

You must remember that Desires are connected to contentment
wants are connected to satisfaction
needs are connected to comfort
fears are connected to bravery
failures are connected to success
The darkness is always connected to the shining light

Now look at it another way
Instead of being connected to each other, one exist for in the presence of the others absence

You feel Fear when Bravery is absent
You want things in the absence of feeling satisfied
You feel like you need things in the absence of knowing comfort
You feel failure in the absence of achieving that you deem as successful
You feel overwhelmed by desires in the absence of feeling content

You only know darkness in the absence of light

When you understand these things, you are able to look at life a little differently
We all handle obstacles that come our way, starting from how we interpret them
By learning to see these problems and the source that stemmed them, we can come to understand them
You can never solve a problem you don't understand
This is your life, don't leave it up to guessing to find the answer

Sometimes i fear that the only way for humanity to know and truly understand compassion is for it all to suffer.
Those who know suffering knows that, no one every should need to know what suffering is

I want to everyone to know happiness, and immerse themselves in its bosoms. For it does not stay forever, it only visits us once in a while. And in during all that waiting, there is only you and me.

I am a lost soul, always looking for a way out. Never knowing that to truly escape, I need to relax and start by looking on the inside.