Conversations

If i had only the next 24 hours i would take the day off

Would i choose to take my 8 hours of sleep and put it off until tomorrow and eternity?

I am in no way, afraid of death, but i believe that deep down i am inherently scared of dying.

I am by no way, a person of significance. I mean i have shared and created beautiful and memorable moments with plenty of individuals.

I have Partied enough, and have engaged in enough drunk therapy. You all know drunk therapy, someone drinks way too much, and their emotions start pouring out of their pores. So someone, usually me for some reason, has to sit them down and dig through their trouble and tell them that all of their actions aren't actually mistakes, but decisions they had to make during a very intense moment. At the end of the conversation, hopefully i would have been able to share with them a thought, a thought that tells a story. A story of how every morning the sun rises and every evening it leaves as night creeps in. It's a story that has a simple message, although sometimes the light may disappear from your life, and you begin to dwell and wander in a state of darkness, it is but for a moment, for it shall pass. And in the next second, a light and flame shall appear before you showing you that the world was indeed never consumed by darkness. When we fall into darkness and despair, our heart and soul becomes engulfed in depression and sadness, and those thoughts and our situations lead us into a moment of broken dreams.

Like living a nightmare, every single step we take we are going backwards and in circle. I believe that to truly overcome our problems and our troubles, we have to understand where they began and what led us to this precise moment. Everyone needs to hear these words at time. We i am immersed in the sadness of my friends and companions, i simply can not go away nor ignore them. For even if they don't want nor desire my presence, my very being; i know that they still need me there. Even if they don't ask, i hear their souls, their sadness crying out for help. I get shivers, when i look at someone in their eyes, and all i see is a broken heart. All that which they desire is but a small and simple thing, but unfortunately that small thing can only be given to them. And when its taken away from their eager eyes and warm smiles, despair sets in. Silence descends upon their lips like seesaw.

I think that we all party for a reason. Its a detour, its a marginal escape from the problems that we dare not face. An angry father, a lost sibling, workloads that can cripple the strongest person. A broken heart is the hardest thing to fix. For i have a broken heart, and its not healed yet. I don't know when it will be, but i am not looking for a solution nor a remedy. For the only remedy for a broken heart is love. And love can only be received  when it is given truthfully, honestly, beautifully.

Sometimes we fall into a broken cycle of attachment. We attach ourselves to the thing that we wish would give us what we want. I attached myself to a young lady, for i believed that what we had was headed for a future that i so desperately wanted. I knew the kind of person she was, her fears, her doubts. I knew that it would never work, for she was too hesitant, too impatient. But i kept waiting, i kept idling by watching time fly by, wishing and hoping that she would one day suddenly realize how amazing i was all along, and come running into my arms. Stupid, silly hopeful imagination. With all the positive hope i had for the future i shall never live to see, never live to touch, to kiss, to cradle, to embrace.  I knowingly attached my feelings onto her in the hopes that it would be returned. For years i would be there to comfort her, and there were many a times where it might have been possible, but atlas each moment would only last minutes. Now i am broken and tired. My patience is running empty and my kind heart has become cynical and defensive more than ever. I shall no more wait for her, for it is time for me to gift myself with the love i so dearly needed. For that is the only option to being driven over the edge.

I know what it is like to see the darkness and walk into it knowing you are bound to get hurt. Telling yourself that it will be worth it, assuring yourself that it will get better. Repeating that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel you are running into, blinded by desire, craving for attention, yearning for affection. Only, only to be disappointed each and every time, for all your efforts again and again seemingly wasted towards nickels and dimes. All your strength, inside and outside of you, just to lie in the gutter, bawling your eyes out, blaming yourself for foolishness, for your kind heart has once again driven you into a corner where you so desperately tried running from.

After going through all those years, and suffering emotionally and mentally, psychologically and physiologically; i have come out alive. I have accepted my decisions. I have finally been able to look back at all the moments, and now i can say to each of those memories; thank you. Thank you for the lessons you have been teaching me, for the patience to let me know and understand concepts that i have not thought of nor could ever have grasped. Now i know that even the things i went through, those nightmarish hours of living in a body with a broken heart, becoming the embodiment of sadness, and desperation; those were also gifts from her. All those horrible things that happened, they were also gifts. I just couldn't see them at the time.

I don't advise and conserve with others because i think i know it all and am there to be passing out and sharing my knowledge with all the broken souls. I am not angel. I am not saint nor am i a sinner. I am merely a person. I am merely a man. I am just someone who had his heart broken; and have learned that that wasn't necessarily as bad as i thought; or as painful. Pain would be to lose my parents, to lose my brothers and sisters.

I Believe that Love a wonderful thing. Love is not limited to one definition nor is it locked in a shed with one explanation. It transcends all earthly proverbs, it surpasses the word love itself. It is truly a wonderful thing. For it is a gift, and it shall always be there. We succumb to depression and the feeling of be unloved because we desire a sort of reminder, an assurance that love is really there. We feel a need for the touch of love, a word from those we love. It begins with us. We know we are loved, but instead of accepting the love as is; we want more. As human beings, a bad side to being able to living life is this feeling that it is never enough, like it can never satisfy you for some reason. We all have it, and sooner or later or maybe never; but often times, you learn about your desires and you look at it, you take a while to look at it and understand it. The only thing you can do is accept it, accepting it makes it easier to have desires. You desire only because you are overcome with the feeling of a need for satisfaction, its beyond your control. Don't blame yourself, learn from it, understand it and move on. It will be easier to live with once you understand it, because once you truly understand why you feel like you need something, you can come to terms with the fact that you don't actually need it, and it is okay to want it, but you know you don't need it. At that moment, you can move one with having to worry whether you regret it or not.  

  

Every so often, i would be forced to step into these kinds of conversations. Deep and personal conversations. Its okay to feel uncomfortable, it’s okay to want to bottle everything up, its not okay however to actually bottle everything up and live life with depression as a symbiosis. Talking about things is the best way to understand them, you begin to understand where you are coming from, and what kind of person you are.

Sometimes, i would have these conversations with someone, and i would feel like maybe they'll start to get on a better road. Only for them to fall right back into the same patterns over and over, drowning themselves in alcohol and tobacco, afraid to face their fears and problems. They do a lot of talking but when it comes time to put those words into action, they are afraid. That is the most selfish thing you can do, deny yourself the happiness you know you deserve because you are too afraid of facing the truth that you already know. At this point no one wants to talk to you about your problems and help you any more because they already know that you will fall into the same routines over and over and over again. Fat, lazy, good for nothing, selfish, ignorant, despicable, worthless. You have taken these words and have accepted their definitions as a suitable substitute for who you are. There is nothing even i can do, ultimately the only person who can help you is you, but you have to see the problem before you can fix it. Right now you can't solve anything in your life, and feel trap because your way of thinking and your decision making skills are poor, a lame excuse for a mind.

We all need to understand that we are the children of our parents, we are the decedents of the stars, we care the god child of the universe. We are each goddamn miracles, each one of us unique and amazing. Do not let the opinion of others define who you are. Its okay to trust strangers and to be betrayed by friends, because those are risks we put ourselves in everyday, they are the relationships that help us define who we are in relation to the people around us. Just because there are assholes out there and just because they ruined a small part of your life doesn't meant you sit around and mope and feel like death. Look, learn, and live. I just want you to know you are very important to me, and if there is anything i can do, just let me know, and i will try my best to be there. Best regards, Chong.