Honesty

Let me Clarify.

I miss talking to you about things,
about ideas, about history, about issues, about human nature, about time and space, about the universe

I look back and see that all I have been asking of you, is you.
Your preferences as a person, your feelings, your past, your present and your plans for the future.
We used to talk about my regrets, my mistakes and my decisions. I Kept on reaping answers to satisfy my personal selfishness. I Keep asking only for my personal gain, to be able to make myself feel better; physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. I used to talk about ideas, now it seems that I only talk about people.

I felt that by showing compassion and trying to embody and emulate all the great personas of individuals i have read about and researched, I thought that I could change people. That was very selfish and naive.

I want to talk with you and am telling you all this because i value your being and your opinion. I trust your judgement and accept your actions in response to mine. I know that all these talks and discussions only seem like a waste of time and will most likely lead nowhere, but i want them to be important for you and me.

The idea of discovering the knowledge of the universe we live in, in relations to us human beings. We see this relation that connects us to the universe as mathematics, Physics, music, dance, poetry and art. From what I can see, since we are a creation of the universe within itself, our creative outputs are merely a temporary manifestation of its endless capacity. The sights we see and the sounds we hear, the creations we touch.

I know this and i accept it as my reality.

All the dreams and hopes that i once had when i first discovered new things, and learned about their nature.
The zest and drive that i had, where ideas branched and words bloomed.

I can reject everything, but i can not reject this. I can reject everyone, except you. I feel like i can trust you with anything and everything, even know how little my being means to you.

I see the reality that is you and me. I see the gap between us.
Regardless, I am thankful everyday that in this reality you exist. I am so thankful to have known you. Sometimes I can feel you, and that makes everything okay.

To be able to have seen with sight, to have been able to have listen with a touch of sound and to have been able to feel with me soul.

Your kindness and ultimately your patience towards ignorance and selfishness. When I feel lost I turn to you for guidance. Your words are amazing, honest and true.

I am at peace with my failures. I forgive myself for my want of pleasure in forms that I cannot reach. I have gone through all my mistakes, I know that i can never be that person that I want to be, I am always unsure of my self worth. Always hesitant with the next step, always afraid for making more mistakes.

For i want to be here before you, my friend, as honest and as true as I can be. Because even if I am a horrible and incompetent person, I do not want to hide myself nor lie to you in any way.

For me, there is only you that I am willing to go so far for. Not to please or impress. Not to manipulate nor deceive. But to be right and true to you as the sun is to to our earth. As the running currents are to our rivers and streams.

I used to want to be around people so that I would not feel so alone. I would use their presence to accompany my lonesome self. For better or for worst, i accept their friendship because i saw that they needed be there as much as i needed them here. Now i want to learn to appreciate all those who have given me their time. To have been there for me when i lashed our, for when i was broken and couldn't go on. I appreciate you and all that you are.

Right now, honestly i can do nothing for you.
I can't give you anything to better your life.
I can not fix your reality. I can not remove past nor erase painful memories. I am just a helping hand that is only useful for conversations. I am of absolutely no use to you. With conversations, phone numbers, and our messages, I might as not exist as far as you are concerned. I know talking to me does nothing, but thank you for taking the time to reply.

I suppose that it is indeed a waste of time to share anything of yours with an undeserving outsider.
For anything that you share, are little bits and pieces that contain everything that makes you an living breathing person. Your past, your charm, what you like and what you hate. everything about you. All these information gathered into your perfect being.

Whats more perfect than imperfection, it does its best by not being the best.
I wish that I could have been stronger. So many wishes there are, and no genie to grant them. For they are all for you, these wishes.

I have known pain, and sometimes I wonder how simpler it would be to not have known pain.
I ask myself, just because i have known pain, do i really know how to overcome it.

I have known Fear, and sometimes i imagine myself going through life without fear.
I would ask myself, because i recognize fear, does that give me a choice to change how i react to it?
I would doubt myself, afraid that to beat failure was to run away from any chance encounters.
I was foolish and Naive. I am but a child of an organism adrift on a rock sailing through the universe on borrowed time.

I always wish that my brothers could stop trying to be my friends. And my friends would stop trying to be my brothers.

Life works and runs in strange directions. What we want, seems at a distance from us, and what we truly need comes off as a constant stream of nagging and tugging. We distinguish ourselves from the rest of the planet by telling ourselves that we are the different and detached from all around us. We earnestly seek out an moral individuality that can only honed and crafted by blossoming in a community.

I believe that traditions and cultures are the brick and mortars of a community. With positive guides making us better and selfish compromises, greed, ego and pride destroying us all. The idea of Not in My back yard (NIMBY) is horse shit.

Everything that happens in the world is interconnected, because we are all interconnected. From tentacle porn, to child abuse, from deforestation to human trafficking. What kind of monsters are we, that we know and accept that there are these horrible things going on around us and yet we choose to ignore them because we keep telling them that it does not matter because its not happening to us. This notion that I as the individual shall only act if needed on my own behalf for my own interests and well being, and until that precise moment, everyone can go fuck themselves.

I am in no position to place judgement on the human race, and the follies of my kind. I am only one voice, in the middle this busy intersection with cars honking and people hurriedly moving with their phones glued to their hands. I am also at the mercy of my mobile device, constantly checking and rechecking, reading and rereading.

I may be just one voice in a vacuum it seems. But just because i can not be heard, doesn't mean i don't try.

I am trying desperately my friend, and although i do not call out for help; i am never not in need of a kind word. In this society where i can seemingly and coerced and forced to always becoming something better than i am, and never appreciate for just being me. We are all trying so hard just to survive, we have no time to sit and think and find out who we really are.

I ask of you..
What are we if we are rid of our desires, released from our wants and needs, fears and failures
Would that be a good thing?

You must remember that Desires are connected to contentment
wants are connected to satisfaction
needs are connected to comfort
fears are connected to bravery
failures are connected to success
The darkness is always connected to the shining light

Now look at it another way
Instead of being connected to each other, one exist for in the presence of the others absence

You feel Fear when Bravery is absent
You want things in the absence of feeling satisfied
You feel like you need things in the absence of knowing comfort
You feel failure in the absence of achieving that you deem as successful
You feel overwhelmed by desires in the absence of feeling content

You only know darkness in the absence of light

When you understand these things, you are able to look at life a little differently
We all handle obstacles that come our way, starting from how we interpret them
By learning to see these problems and the source that stemmed them, we can come to understand them
You can never solve a problem you don't understand
This is your life, don't leave it up to guessing to find the answer

Sometimes i fear that the only way for humanity to know and truly understand compassion is for it all to suffer.
Those who know suffering knows that, no one every should need to know what suffering is

I want to everyone to know happiness, and immerse themselves in its bosoms. For it does not stay forever, it only visits us once in a while. And in during all that waiting, there is only you and me.

I am a lost soul, always looking for a way out. Never knowing that to truly escape, I need to relax and start by looking on the inside.