Honesty

Let me Clarify.

I miss talking to you about things,
about ideas, about history, about issues, about human nature, about time and space, about the universe

I look back and see that all I have been asking of you, is you.
Your preferences as a person, your feelings, your past, your present and your plans for the future.
We used to talk about my regrets, my mistakes and my decisions. I Kept on reaping answers to satisfy my personal selfishness. I Keep asking only for my personal gain, to be able to make myself feel better; physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. I used to talk about ideas, now it seems that I only talk about people.

I felt that by showing compassion and trying to embody and emulate all the great personas of individuals i have read about and researched, I thought that I could change people. That was very selfish and naive.

I want to talk with you and am telling you all this because i value your being and your opinion. I trust your judgement and accept your actions in response to mine. I know that all these talks and discussions only seem like a waste of time and will most likely lead nowhere, but i want them to be important for you and me.

The idea of discovering the knowledge of the universe we live in, in relations to us human beings. We see this relation that connects us to the universe as mathematics, Physics, music, dance, poetry and art. From what I can see, since we are a creation of the universe within itself, our creative outputs are merely a temporary manifestation of its endless capacity. The sights we see and the sounds we hear, the creations we touch.

I know this and i accept it as my reality.

All the dreams and hopes that i once had when i first discovered new things, and learned about their nature.
The zest and drive that i had, where ideas branched and words bloomed.

I can reject everything, but i can not reject this. I can reject everyone, except you. I feel like i can trust you with anything and everything, even know how little my being means to you.

I see the reality that is you and me. I see the gap between us.
Regardless, I am thankful everyday that in this reality you exist. I am so thankful to have known you. Sometimes I can feel you, and that makes everything okay.

To be able to have seen with sight, to have been able to have listen with a touch of sound and to have been able to feel with me soul.

Your kindness and ultimately your patience towards ignorance and selfishness. When I feel lost I turn to you for guidance. Your words are amazing, honest and true.

I am at peace with my failures. I forgive myself for my want of pleasure in forms that I cannot reach. I have gone through all my mistakes, I know that i can never be that person that I want to be, I am always unsure of my self worth. Always hesitant with the next step, always afraid for making more mistakes.

For i want to be here before you, my friend, as honest and as true as I can be. Because even if I am a horrible and incompetent person, I do not want to hide myself nor lie to you in any way.

For me, there is only you that I am willing to go so far for. Not to please or impress. Not to manipulate nor deceive. But to be right and true to you as the sun is to to our earth. As the running currents are to our rivers and streams.

I used to want to be around people so that I would not feel so alone. I would use their presence to accompany my lonesome self. For better or for worst, i accept their friendship because i saw that they needed be there as much as i needed them here. Now i want to learn to appreciate all those who have given me their time. To have been there for me when i lashed our, for when i was broken and couldn't go on. I appreciate you and all that you are.

Right now, honestly i can do nothing for you.
I can't give you anything to better your life.
I can not fix your reality. I can not remove past nor erase painful memories. I am just a helping hand that is only useful for conversations. I am of absolutely no use to you. With conversations, phone numbers, and our messages, I might as not exist as far as you are concerned. I know talking to me does nothing, but thank you for taking the time to reply.

I suppose that it is indeed a waste of time to share anything of yours with an undeserving outsider.
For anything that you share, are little bits and pieces that contain everything that makes you an living breathing person. Your past, your charm, what you like and what you hate. everything about you. All these information gathered into your perfect being.

Whats more perfect than imperfection, it does its best by not being the best.
I wish that I could have been stronger. So many wishes there are, and no genie to grant them. For they are all for you, these wishes.

I have known pain, and sometimes I wonder how simpler it would be to not have known pain.
I ask myself, just because i have known pain, do i really know how to overcome it.

I have known Fear, and sometimes i imagine myself going through life without fear.
I would ask myself, because i recognize fear, does that give me a choice to change how i react to it?
I would doubt myself, afraid that to beat failure was to run away from any chance encounters.
I was foolish and Naive. I am but a child of an organism adrift on a rock sailing through the universe on borrowed time.

I always wish that my brothers could stop trying to be my friends. And my friends would stop trying to be my brothers.

Life works and runs in strange directions. What we want, seems at a distance from us, and what we truly need comes off as a constant stream of nagging and tugging. We distinguish ourselves from the rest of the planet by telling ourselves that we are the different and detached from all around us. We earnestly seek out an moral individuality that can only honed and crafted by blossoming in a community.

I believe that traditions and cultures are the brick and mortars of a community. With positive guides making us better and selfish compromises, greed, ego and pride destroying us all. The idea of Not in My back yard (NIMBY) is horse shit.

Everything that happens in the world is interconnected, because we are all interconnected. From tentacle porn, to child abuse, from deforestation to human trafficking. What kind of monsters are we, that we know and accept that there are these horrible things going on around us and yet we choose to ignore them because we keep telling them that it does not matter because its not happening to us. This notion that I as the individual shall only act if needed on my own behalf for my own interests and well being, and until that precise moment, everyone can go fuck themselves.

I am in no position to place judgement on the human race, and the follies of my kind. I am only one voice, in the middle this busy intersection with cars honking and people hurriedly moving with their phones glued to their hands. I am also at the mercy of my mobile device, constantly checking and rechecking, reading and rereading.

I may be just one voice in a vacuum it seems. But just because i can not be heard, doesn't mean i don't try.

I am trying desperately my friend, and although i do not call out for help; i am never not in need of a kind word. In this society where i can seemingly and coerced and forced to always becoming something better than i am, and never appreciate for just being me. We are all trying so hard just to survive, we have no time to sit and think and find out who we really are.

I ask of you..
What are we if we are rid of our desires, released from our wants and needs, fears and failures
Would that be a good thing?

You must remember that Desires are connected to contentment
wants are connected to satisfaction
needs are connected to comfort
fears are connected to bravery
failures are connected to success
The darkness is always connected to the shining light

Now look at it another way
Instead of being connected to each other, one exist for in the presence of the others absence

You feel Fear when Bravery is absent
You want things in the absence of feeling satisfied
You feel like you need things in the absence of knowing comfort
You feel failure in the absence of achieving that you deem as successful
You feel overwhelmed by desires in the absence of feeling content

You only know darkness in the absence of light

When you understand these things, you are able to look at life a little differently
We all handle obstacles that come our way, starting from how we interpret them
By learning to see these problems and the source that stemmed them, we can come to understand them
You can never solve a problem you don't understand
This is your life, don't leave it up to guessing to find the answer

Sometimes i fear that the only way for humanity to know and truly understand compassion is for it all to suffer.
Those who know suffering knows that, no one every should need to know what suffering is

I want to everyone to know happiness, and immerse themselves in its bosoms. For it does not stay forever, it only visits us once in a while. And in during all that waiting, there is only you and me.

I am a lost soul, always looking for a way out. Never knowing that to truly escape, I need to relax and start by looking on the inside.

The River and The Moutain

Fallen from rain clouds and into the streams, Living with the fishes and swimming into dreams.
How my wishes and my mind, They begin wander through the cracks of time.
Walking along the windy cold, Following the pavement and chasing the open road.
The sun shines through the trees, It dresses the leaves in sunlight.
The Branches, they dance with the wind, For it having been there since it began.
The water and soil, they keep it fed, Although knowing that its mostly dead.

Sometimes the leaves change color, from green to gold, Each generation has its own tales to be told. We fight to survive, our troubles and our trials, We run and run, losing breathe and gaining miles. My dear broken hearted friend, how i love you so, For years, each has been steadily growing old. Bright eyes and a smile full of secrets, you speak your words but your mind will try to keep it.

Each day you learn more about the value of those around you, Eventually one day you'll find out that a family is one you choose.
For sadness and a weary mind, need not be cured with hangovers and wine.
Sadly, only when we're intoxicated do we can to speak the truth, we whine and bitch, about how we're being used.
Red love and blue sadness, colors blind us when our emotions overwhelm us.
Let us dance beneath a moon lite night, To capture our gaze as we burn in the flame. We seek differences yet we settle for the same, How long will we work under titles and not our own name.

For cash does not rule the world around me, It just rules the world of honeybees.
The river runs rapid as the flood rushes in, The people drown one by one, the come jumping in.
Life and love are all lost in an glance, when you leave your fate in the hand of chance.
When you've worked so hard, you don't notice your trembling hands, You've lost sight of life counting the falling grains of sand.
When full moons rise above dense forest trees, and in the darkness you cease to be. The crickets they sing their songs to call, tempting me to beckon them and risk it all. Shall I go running, through the night, Jumping over trees and dashing from sight.

I will follow the fireflies to their graves, If it means in that in the light, I shall be saved. The flames they dance near the fall, Glittering eyes in them i swear i saw. Dragons they rise from the River, And Rams they charge down from the mountain.
The night hides the fighting, my blind sight, hides the sighting.
I can feel the forest as it whispers, I can feel the wind as it sinks and slithers. There is no more road on the path i travel, For now my present is uncertain as my future unravels.

Each step is heavy, as is the mind, Fruitless to forget past, and see futures as it is to measure time.
In all that space, i am infinite, In all that darkness, i might as well be nothing. Mere rustling in the woods, Running from the life i thought i understood. i am losing breathe as i go further south, knowing that i can only run so far in, before im running out.
Now here i am here beside you, sober and out of my mind, I've been taken here with help from all these sign. When you are hurt i shall be there, For when i am in pain, i know you are here.
You are no god, demon nor a sin, I only know that you are my friend.
So i shall be here for you in your time of need, Even with asking i can clearly see. We need yet we don't ask, That gives us a reason to stop looking back.

We construct mirrors and build solid walls, Seemingly just to watch bitches and assholes burn them all.
People are selfish, that doesn't mean you don't let them in, It is hard to know who will hurt you in the end, when at first you are what they're trying to win.
You are more than your body, and your face, you are a miracle, unique at every stage. Love is a miracle that you create, It is meant to be given, never to be a mandate. People who love you will show you what it means to love, selfish assholes will guess all the above.

Life has made me harsh and cynical, it sometimes blinds me to the plain and beautiful. So i strive to becoming a better me, instead of simply letting me be me.
My secrets i will keep, Until i find someone that makes me believe.
When i tell them my mistakes, they will understand, that because of the road i walked this is where i am.
Then they will tell me how lucky they are to know, how the one the loved travel so long on their own lonely road.
Just to meet them in the here and now, A love full of bursting rainbow clouds.

That is a love i need, not one i will seek.
For i will know when its my time, to cut through the wire and write my lines.
Now i know that everything will be fine, If only i laugh more and enjoy my wine.
The world is always in trouble, people will always fight, When greed runs through their mind, and they're as lost as I.
There is no light just because the sun shines, we must learn that it really begins by being lit from the inside.
This light really only keeps being alive, If all humanity unite side by side.
For at night lights are scattered across the world, Burning in the heart of every boy and girl.
For fathers and mothers they too must learn, That soon it will be their children's turn. The River will continue to flow, And in the starlight the mountain continue to glow. Life will find away, So as the river, let it wash your sadness astray.